JOKE OF THE YEAR? (repost)

Five surgeons from different cities meet at a conference and one evening over a few drinks find themselves discussing who makes the perfect patient.

The first surgeon, from Singapore, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Bangkok, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Beijing, says: "No, I think librarians are the best, all their internal organs are in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Jakarta, chimes in with a grin: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Kuala Lumpur, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians - especially the ones from UMNO - are the easiest to operate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the mouth and anus are interchangeable."


[Contributed by Hock]

Those of you who have been wondering why I haven't updated this blog in days, thanks very much for being such faithful readers! I'm alive and well and my broadband connection works fine. However, there was an unexpected surge of visitors in the last few days and it has indeed been very pleasant, though I was beginning to get withdrawals from not being able to sit at the computer for hours at a stretch and blog. I'm working on a longish piece right now, but this joke just popped into my inbox today, so I'll use it as a stopgap measure!

HERE'S ANOTHER "STOPGAP" MEASURE...



"PROGRESS" COMES TO KELANTAN...

[First posted 2 March 2009]

When The Shit Hits The Fan... (repost)

THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN!

Letter reveals top MACC man, politician collusion

K Kabilan
Aug 20, 09
1:49pm 

The mystery letter which emerged at the Teoh Beng Hock inquest yesterday is believed to contain claims connecting a top ranking MACC officer to the interrogation of the political aide, which could have led to his death. Believed to be written by a Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission insider, the letter alleged how the top officer and an influential politician (pictured left) had worked together to start investigations into alleged corrupt practises by Selangor's Pakatan Rakyat leaders. And it was on this understanding that Teoh was called up for questioning.

The unsigned letter, which carried the MACC official letterhead and written in Bahasa Malaysia, also stated the top officer's modus of interrogation - which involves pulling the suspects by the belt.

It further alleged that the top official was questioning Teoh on the day the DAP man was found dead. However the letter did not state on how Teoh died or if the officer was directly involved in his death.

Further claims made in the letter include:

• The officer did not punch out from work when he left Plaza Masalam where the Selangor MACC is located on that day. However, the letter stated the time of him leaving the office. This is important as it could show that this officer was the last person to have seen Teoh on that day, alleged the letter.

• The officer did not provide his DNA samples along with his other colleagues. He only gave a sample privately at a later day.

• That he ordered his officers to wipe clean the window from where Teoh had apparently fallen from.

• His alleged corrupt practices while investigating previous cases and that he is generally corrupt.

• He had helped close an investigation on the politician.

The letter also stated that the top officer had been serving in the state for a long time, well beyond the usual five-year term for high ranking officials.

The letter also claimed that he was living beyond his means by having several houses, a petrol station in Shah Alam and several plots of land, courtesy of the politician's goodwill.

 
He was also allegedly caught for khalwat with his junior officer at the Shah Alam lake early this year.
When contacted, the politician denied all the claims made in the letter and said he will be lodging a police report as soon as he is back from his overseas trip. The MACC officer could not be contacted.

Lawyers remain tight-lipped


Yesterday, lawyer Gobind Singh Deo submitted the letter to coroner Azmil Muntapha Abas, asking him to adjourn the inquest pending an investigation into the contents of the letter.

Gobind said that he was handed the letter by an individual on Tuesday evening.

Azmil, who agreed to instruct the police to probe the letter, had then urged all lawyers involved in the case not to reveal the details of the letter to anyone. However he had not ordered a gag order on the matter.

Lawyers involved in the matter when contacted by Malaysiakini today remained tight-lipped on the content of the letter.

However, it is learnt that the letter was also sent out to several other people since last week, including some members of parliament.

One MP who spoke to Malaysiakini said that he received the letter last week and confirmed the contents of the letter.

"Some big names were mentioned in the letter and the claims are massive. If they are true, some very big people from Selangor MACC and the political circle will have to pay the price," he said, requesting anonymity.

The MP also said that the letter appeared to be "an inside job from MACC".

He added that the letterhead used was from the MACC's headquarters in Putrajaya.

Teoh (left) was found dead, with his belt snapped, at the fifth floor landing of Plaza Masalam on July 16, a day after he was summoned by the MACC for questioning in regards to their probe into an alleged misappropriation of state allocation funds. He was questioned at the 14^th floor.

The inquest is being held to determine how he died. It will continue on Monday pending the investigation into the letter.

The letter has also been posted in the Internet at various sites, including in Malaysia Today.


Last man to see Teoh left building at 6.10am, court told

APPENDIX A

This intriguing comment was found in Dr Rafick's blogpost:

Inside sources. Hishamuddin and Khir Toyo were school mates, Khir being a year or two [older]. Of course Khir approved Hisham’s application for a plot of land in Shah Alam.

Hisham has [a] strong cable with Macc Hq notably with Ahmad Said, the Macc Chief and Ahmad Said in turn is a running boy of Nazri Aziz. For the first time in the history of the ACA/MACC, a Minister seems to be talking on behalf of MACC. It never happens bf as the ACA/MACC is supposed to be independent.

Khir with the help of Hisham and the blessing of the top leadership wanted to topple S’gor PR gov’t. Hisham can’t do it without the approval of the Selangor MACC Head. So Hisham instigated his Boss removal and Ahmad Said sent a weak officer, Jaafar Mahat to head the MACC.

Soon after, the blitz on the PR gov’t by Selangor MACC begins. Hisham was in full control with the approval of Ahmad Said, another corrupt ACA/MACC officer.

[First posted 20 August 2009, reposted 20 January 2020] 

A Closer Look At Anuses (revisited)

Extreme closeup of Umno's anus at 9:09 a.m. on 9 March 2008, after the party was sodomized by the Malaysian electorate. (Image courtesy of WritinMan)

This is how PUS... I mean PAS looked to the Malaysian electorate the morning after they discussed 'Islam and Malay Unity' in bed with Umno.

Saiful Bukhari's anus after Malaysiakini published Dr Mohamed Osman Abdul Hamid's report on its unravished condition.


MY LADY HAS A BEAUTIFUL ANUS

By John Kluivert

July 18, 2001

How do I love my lady's anus? Let me count the ways.

Have you seen her? Have you seen my beautiful lady and her anus? Unless you are an ex-boyfriend, her proctologist, or an art student in that class she modeled for, you probably have not have glimpsed the fairest orifice on God's green Earth. For this, you have my deepest sympathies.

I would put my lady's anus up against any of the legendary anuses of the past: Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc, Marie Curie, Eleanor Roosevelt. Even Cleopatra, who, according to legend, had a team of eunuchs apply balms and liniments with silken cloths to keep her anus and inner rectum immaculate, could not stand up to my lady. (My lady needs no such fripperies to be beautiful... though I do not hesitate to lavish them on her.) Lovely as Cleopatra's anus may have been, compared to my lady's, hers is a pustulent, lesion-ravaged hole.

My lady does not like me to go on and on about her anus, but how can I resist? When I look into that one brown eye, it's like gazing into a deep, untouched lake. Sometimes, it's as if I'm gazing through a taut, puckered window into her very soul, placing myself in danger of being hypnotized by the swirls of her rectum. Her anus is like a vessel I can't seem to fill with enough love, no matter how hard I try. I am not what one would call a holy man, but when I am gently kissing my lady's fragrant anus, I am convinced that there must be a higher power out there who made this sacred aperture.

As I am very protective of my lady's anus, few have seen it. Nevertheless, I am fond of waxing rhapsodic on its beauty. This can be difficult, though, for how does one describe the beauty of a Tuscan moon? How does one tell of the glory of the cosmos? Shakespeare would have written sonnets about it. Beethoven would have discarded his "Ode To Joy" in favor of "Ode To My Lady's Anus." And Raphael would have tried–and failed–to render its essence in oils. Lo, prodigious as these immortals' artistic gifts were, my lady's anus would have proven too elusive a muse for any of them to capture.

Yes, my lady's anus is a sight to behold. But it is not just a question of looks. For all its aesthetic loveliness, the greatest thing about my lady's anus is its personality. Sometimes silly, sometimes sad; sometimes dilated, sometimes clenched, it reveals a new wrinkle every time we meet.

Whether I see it reflected in candlelight during a romantic dinner or after it has just awakened from a night's slumber, my lady's anus is still as lovely to me as the first time I saw it. My friends say I won't feel the same way about it when it's 60. I disagree. It may lose that youthful glow, but this is the kind of anus that will only ripen with age. As further assurance, I once caught a glimpse of my lady's mother's anus and, as we all know, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

People say I'm spoiling my lady's anus by buying imported, hand-woven silk toilet paper. But do you polish a diamond with sandpaper? Do you restore the Mona Lisa with a hammer? My lady's anus deserves ruby and emerald enemas. Swabs of cotton soaked in the finest champagne. Anything less would be woefully inadequate for an orifice of such sublime beauty.

And don't even get me started on her perineum.


And now, an exclusive report from Down Under...

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF AN UNWHOLESOME OBSESSION

March 23, 2005

HEARD of sphincter bleaching? Beauticians are billing it as the new Brazilian wax. "In the last couple of months I've had a lot of requests, so I've started some experiments," says Sydney beautician Anna Marsiano from The Bees' Knees salon.

"I've got one client who's a divorced woman with a couple of kids. She was looking at a Playboy magazine with her new boyfriend and he was making some comments about how clean and light the women looked. My client started to get a little paranoid."

Marsiano says she uses a herbal brand popular in the Philippines as a facial whitener. It is applied to the dark pigmentation around women's rectums as well as to their vaginal areas. Marsiano says the product does not damage the skin and has "rejuvenating" properties.

But another Sydney beautician, asked about her anal lightening equipment, produces a completely different product altogether. It's a cream that clearly states it is designed to be used on hair. This beautician has treated sex workers and strippers for years, but says mainstream demand has risen sharply over the past six months. She acknowledges that her long-term clients (many of whom come in for treatments every six weeks) suffer serious skin problems. "I explain that it will give them eczema and so on, but they want it anyway," she says.

Hard-line feminists will no doubt respond with an outraged "What will the misogynist patriarchy do to us next?" (possibly staging some sort of "reclaim the date" march). The cosmetic entrepreneurs, meanwhile, are bound to capitalise on the controversy by selling DIY backdoor bleaching kits (possibly along the lines of the personalised mouth moulds provided for teeth whitening).

As with all debates about society's relentless pursuit of beauty, however, the answer to "how much is too much?" is hard to ascertain.

The good news on sphincter bleaching is that it's safer than anything involving general anaesthetics or fat-vacuuming gizmos. The bad news is that you could be in for a lifetime of skid marks. The chairwoman of the Australian Medical Association's ethics committee, Rosanna Capolingua, says the use of harsh bleaching substances could cause anal burning and scarring. This, in turn, could lead to anal incontinence or an inability to pass stools at all.

Sound attractive? If the figures in the cost and reward equation don't add up, perhaps it's worth giving the bleach a miss and locating a lover who doesn't expect your bum to look like Barbie's.

NATIONAL ASSHOLES
(Unretouched photos from the archive)

 

    [First posted 28 July 2008. Updated 23 November 2015]