THOSE MOIST AND SALTY MOMENTS (revisited)

By Lee Bee Doh

MR H.S. LOH stood in line, hands in his pockets, twiddling his thumbs. He had a habit of playing with himself whenever there was nothing else to do. Fondling his privates in public was particularly appealing, because he had to be careful not to get himself too excited, which usually got him even more aroused.

He smiled secretly thinking about the few occasions he had developed a full-blown hard-on while standing in a queue. One time he managed to conceal his bulge behind a copy of Utusan Malaysia (not that he actually read the rabidly racist rag, but he enjoyed walking around with a copy under his arm or over his crotch just to annoy people). It also came in handy whenever he felt the compulsion to idly swat a few rent-seeking flies.

Another time he happened to be standing behind his plump-rumped girlfriend, Lascivia Lum, and was able to good-humoredly goose her till she had to trot off giggling to the ladies and plug her overflow with tissue paper.

H.S. (as he preferred to be called, because his father had perversely named him Hum Sup, weird sense of humor) was a congenital erotomaniac. In Cantonese, Hum Sup literally means “salty and moist.” In plain English, H.S. was addicted to sex. In other words, he chose to attain Oneness through physical conjugation rather than transcendental meditation. In fact, the only constant in his life was to fuck and wank at every opportunity.

Eating and sleeping served only to recharge his batteries between battering ram episodes when he would attempt to break down the fortified gates of feigned prudery. Indeed, H.S. Loh sometimes saw himself as a crusader for the suppressed libido, tilting at windmills of false piety and genuine hypocrisy.

Those who knew H.S. suspected that he enjoyed shocking erotophobes (making their auras shrink in dismay) even more than indulging his congenital erotomania. His current squeeze, Lascivia, was cute and cuddly enough – but the fact that her father was a Baptist preacher added spice to their love affair.

AS A KID at Sunday school, H.S. had been intrigued by the story of humanity’s “Fall from Grace.” The watered-down official version made it seem like Adam and Eve were tossed out of Heaven for disobeying God and eating the Forbidden Fruit. Why God would plant a “forbidden” fruit in the Garden of Eden was beyond human comprehension. And to then tell these innocent babes in the wood they could do whatever they liked except taste that particular fruit made it clear that God was setting them up big time.

He probably had a stopwatch in hand, waiting to see how long it would take Adam and Eve to discover the exquisite pleasures of fornication and commit their Original Sin. (I bet God had at least four CCTV cameras installed to record the event, just in case He needed to resort to blackmail somewhere down the line. Or maybe He just liked to watch.)

Preachers call it “illicit sex” because Adam had yet to propose to Eve, and she hadn’t even considered signing a contract agreeing to be physically and emotionally bound to him for life. Anyway, if Adam and Eve were the First Couple and there were no other humans around, then neither could contemplate carnal intimacy with anybody else, could they? Being promiscuous would be a complete waste of time in the Garden of Eden.

Unless Eve was kinky enough to be turned on by the Serpent’s slinky muscularity and allowed it to perform cunnilingus on her with its forked tongue and Barry White voice. You may not know this, but male snakes do have penises – not one, but two. Okay, some biologists say the snake’s hemipenes are in fact a bifurcated penis, rather than two separate organs. So it’s quite possible that the Serpent may have ventured beyond foreplay and penetrated Eve with one, or both, of its reptilian penises.

It’s also entirely possible that when Eve says she was tempted by the Serpent, she was merely waxing lyrical about Adam’s morning erection. I mean, if you’re a newly minted woman and have never seen a fully erect male organ, your first close encounter with one in all its glory might well cause you to spontaneously lubricate and cream yourself.

Whatever actually happened in the Garden of Eden, you can be sure of one thing: it had to do with sex.

And that’s why H.S. Loh was obsessed with the subject. Any activity that can get one evicted from paradise must be well worth investigating. Yet, how could it possibly be “paradise” if sex is forbidden? Are there different categories of paradise, some XXX-rated and others approved for General Audiences?

However, sex wasn’t the only thing on his mind – though one might argue that everything would look sexy to a man named Hum Sup Loh.

As a student of philosophy, H.S. had always preferred Socrates (right) to Plato; Laotzu to Confucius. People often speak of “platonic” love but how come they never boast about their passion being “socratic”? Socrates was officially married to Xanthippe, who gave him three sons. But he was, like most Athenian nobles, also known to enjoy the company of young and handsome male athletes. Umno would most certainly disapprove and attempt to fitnah him left, right and center.

Laotzu was a legendary sage who lived in forested hills far from civilization and successfully avoided being awarded titles and positions by the palace. It is recorded that Confucius, hearing of Laotzu’s great wisdom, found Laotzu after many months of searching, and asked if he would accept Confucius as his humble student. Laotzu simply said: “Why waste your time and mine? Go back to your job as an academic!” To his credit, Confucius never spoke ill of Laotzu; indeed, he described him as a cosmic phenomenon, awesome and unreachable as a dragon flying through the clouds.

But to H.S. Loh the most admirable contemporary philosopher was a fellow named Hugh Marston Hefner (left), better known as the chief editor and publisher of Playboy magazine. Launching the first issue in December 1953 on $8,000 of borrowed capital, Hefner not only became a multi-millionaire entrepreneur – but he also planted the seeds of the sexual revolution that swept across the world in the 1960s (bypassing Malaysia and the Middle East, some will be relieved to know).

Many of Hefner’s monumental accomplishments were unknown to the hordes of salivating appreciators of Playboy’s monthly centerfolds. Hefner was a vigorous crusader for free speech and civil liberties; he stood by stand-up comedian Lenny Bruce when the government was harassing him and later produced recordings and a feature-length film documenting Lenny Bruce’s turbulent career (Lenny, starring Dustin Hoffman, 1974).

Hugh M. Hefner preached what he practiced. He loved beautiful bodies, fast cars, good food, fine clothes, freedom and lofty ideas – and that’s exactly what he promoted in Playboy. At the ripe old age of 86, Hefner married a buxom 26-year-old hottie named Crystal Harris. That’s not half-bad by anybody’s reckoning, especially H.S. Loh’s… so what if the whole affair was doomed to failure from the start? [Harris later revealed, in a candid interview with Howard Stern, that she and Hefner had only had sex once: "He’s had so much sex, he’s kind of over it. It lasted two seconds. It was an out-of-body experience."]

And so what if Hugh M. Hefner was exposed, after his death at 91 in September 2017, as having been part of a CIA honeypot operation aimed at video-recording prominent figures in compromising positions for blackmail purposes? Most famous people have secret lives we know nothing about until after they're dead.

These were some of the random thoughts drifting lazily through H.S. Loh's mind as he waited in line at the KTM Komuter ticket counter. By the time he got to his turn, his willy was more than half-erect. “Kuala Kubu Bharu,” he said, giving his throbbing dickhead a friendly rub while fishing around for some loose change in his left trouser pocket.

H.S. was thrilled to finally be meeting his childhood hero, a man who had made a career out of priapic prose, and who fancied himself a latter-day incarnation of the nature god Pan. As the train pulled out of the station, H.S. sent a text message ahead, alerting the recipient to his estimated time of arrival. Hope he likes the present I got for him, H.S. smiled, fingering the beautifully gift-wrapped box of super-strength tongkat ali capsules in his shoulder bag.

_______
Lee Bee Doh is just another alias of that elusive entity, erstwhile known as Kit Leee (actor, author, cartoonist, arts reviewer and producer), who vanished into the woods, only to reappear in cyberspace as Antares (blogger, musician and jungle chef). [Originally published on LoyarBurok. First posted here 19 May 2011, reposted 4 June 2014, 28 July 2016, 30 May 2018 & 9 July 2022].

AND ON THE 3RD DAY... HE CRACKED ME UP ALL OVER AGAIN! (repost)

Three days ago, on 22 June 2008, a very funny man left the planet. He wasn't just hilariously, laugh-a-second, faster-than-a-speeding train funny - George Carlin was also one of the smartest, clearest-thinking humans who ever made a lifetime career out of stand-up comedy. Some would add that George Carlin was also arguably the foulest-mouthed, most offensively in-your-face type of free-thinking, free-wheeling atheist - and that folks like him ought to be completely banned from the airwaves. Well, anyone who would say something so unkind about my dear departed friend George Carlin will be immediately added to George's infamous list of "People Who Deserve To Be Killed" for being so dumb-ass fucking stupid. In celebration of his life and as a tribute to a shining beacon of intelligence, I've selected some wonderful examples of George Carlin's brilliant wit, courtesy of YouTube (what would the world be without YouTube?)

My grandfather would say: "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother". He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.” — George Carlin

GEORGE CARLIN was born 12 May 1937 in New York City, the son of Mary (née Bearey), a secretary, and Patrick Carlin, a national advertising manager for the New York Sun. Carlin was of Irish descent and was raised in the Roman Catholic faith.

Carlin grew up on West 121st Street, in a neighborhood of Manhattan which he later said, in a stand-up routine, he and his friends called "White Harlem," because that sounded a lot tougher than its real name of Morningside Heights. He was raised by his mother, who left his father when Carlin was two years old. After three semesters, at the age of 14, Carlin involuntarily left Cardinal Hayes High School and briefly attended Bishop Dubois High School in Harlem. He later joined the United States Air Force, training as a radar technician. He was stationed at Barksdale AFB in Bossier City, Louisiana.

During this time he began working as a disc jockey on KJOE, a radio station based in the nearby city of Shreveport. He did not complete his Air Force enlistment. Labeled an "unproductive airman" by his superiors, Carlin was discharged on July 29, 1957. In 1959, Carlin and Jack Burns began as a comedy team when both were working for radio station KXOL in Fort Worth, Texas. After successful performances at Fort Worth's beat coffeehouse, The Cellar, Burns and Carlin headed for California in February 1960 and stayed together for two years as a team before moving on to individual pursuits.

Carlin became more popular as a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the Johnny Carson era, becoming one of Carson's most frequent substitutes during the host's three-decade reign. Carlin was also cast on Away We Go, a 1967 comedy show. His material during his early career, which included impressions, and his appearance, which consisted of suits and short-cropped hair, has been seen as "conventional", particularly when contrasted with his later antiestablishment material.

Carlin was present at Lenny Bruce's arrest for obscenity. According to legend the police began attempting to detain members of the audience for questioning, and asked Carlin for his identification. Telling the police he did not believe in government issued IDs, he was arrested and taken to jail with Bruce in the same vehicle.

Eventually, Carlin changed both his routines and his appearance. He lost some TV bookings by dressing strangely for a comedian of the time, wearing faded jeans and sporting a beard and earrings at a time when clean-cut, well-dressed comedians were the norm. Using his own persona as a springboard for his new comedy, he was presented by Ed Sullivan in a performance of "The Hair Piece," and quickly regained his popularity as the public caught on to his sense of style.

In 2001, Carlin was given a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 15th Annual American Comedy Awards.

In December 2003, California U.S. Representative Doug Ose introduced a bill (H.R. 3687) to outlaw the broadcast of Carlin's seven "dirty words," including "compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms)". (The bill omits "tits", but includes "ass" and "asshole", which were not part of Carlin's original routine.)

The following year, Carlin was fired from his headlining position at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas after an altercation with his audience. After a poorly received set filled with dark references to suicide bombings and beheadings, Carlin stated that he could not wait to get out of "this fucking hotel" and Las Vegas in general, claiming he wanted to go back East "where the real people are." He continued to insult his audience, stating:

"People who go to Las Vegas, you've got to question their fucking intellect to start with. Traveling hundreds and thousands of miles to essentially give your money to a large corporation is kind of fucking moronic. That's what I'm always getting here is these kind of fucking people with very limited intellects."

An audience member shouted back that Carlin should "stop degrading us", at which point Carlin responded "Thank you very much, whatever that was. I hope it was positive; if not, well blow me." He was immediately fired by MGM Grand and soon after announced he would enter rehab for drug and alcohol addiction.

For years, Carlin had performed regularly as a headliner in Las Vegas. He began a tour through the first half of 2006, and had a new HBO Special on November 5, 2005 entitled Life is Worth Losing, which was shown live from the Beacon Theatre in New York City. Topics covered included suicide, natural disasters (and the impulse to see them escalate in severity), cannibalism, genocide, human sacrifice, threats to civil liberties in America, and how an argument can be made that humans are inferior to animals.

"If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.” — George Carlin

Although raised in the Roman Catholic faith, Carlin often denounced the idea of God in interviews and performances, most notably with his "Invisible Man in the Sky" and "There Is No God" routines. In mockery, he invented the parody religion Frisbeetarianism for a newspaper contest. He defined it as the belief that when a person dies "his soul gets flung onto a roof, and just stays there", and cannot be retrieved.

Carlin also joked that he worshiped the Sun, because he could actually see it, but prayed to Joe Pesci (a good friend of his in real life) because "he's a good actor", and "looks like a guy who can get things done!"

Carlin also introduced the "Two Commandments" - a revised "pocket-sized" list of the Ten Commandments in his HBO special Complaints and Grievances, ending with the additional commandment of "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."

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[First posted 25 June 2008]