Illustrated Puns with a Timely Sense of Purpose (reprise)

Now you know why police are called mata-mata (eyes) in Malay.

First there was Nothing. Then it exploded. Oh yeah?

Is there a link between the colonial impulse & colon cancer?

Some are a bit slow on the uptake.

Is Selangor state a feudalism, I wonder? Think I'll PAS on this one!

Some say this hat rack once belonged to Samuel Beckett.

Remember, there are always greater forces at work.

Don't the police have better things to do?

He even survived being grilled by a military tribunal.

An apt metaphor for our current state of political apathy.

Thanks to Olivia de Haulleville who forwarded the puns.  

I just chose the images & provided the captions.

[First posted 25 August 2014, 11 December 2019 & 3 December 2021]

Ten Puns for the Literate (repost)

1. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they had already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a long voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[Courtesy of V. Cornelius. First posted 25 July 2011, reposted 3 December 2013 & 4 December 2019]

PUNDITRY

I've just finished reading a book about the world's greatest basement ... It was a best cellar.

It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

Horses have lower divorce rates. It's because they are in stable relationships.

My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open.

I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks ... It cost me an arm and a leg.

The main function of your little toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

It's pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car I will get exhausted.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can't part with it.

Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle ... It's a vicious cycle.

The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls, if they didn't want to kiss you, they would have to give you a dollar. By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.

Always trust a nudist ... They have nothing to hide.

THESE ARE PUNNY TIMES WE LIVE IN...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his enormous girth from too much pi.

2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.




[Contributed by Vernon Cornelius]