Showing posts with label Wall Street. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wall Street. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 27, 2026

Money A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion (repost)

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
We are indebted to The Onion  for this up-to-the-minute report:

WASHINGTON - The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy. "Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we.... if we " said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this so-called 'money' really matters at all."

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless." According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it - the money, our whole economy - it's all a lie!" Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.

As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.

At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above.

"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth." "What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my daughter."

Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying to get his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coin collection, muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and over again. "The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is just too blown to comment."

A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.

Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their foreclosed-upon homes. "I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," said former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their house. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family has no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."

The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.

For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation's epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.

"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'm going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I need by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need a new hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."

When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain. "That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.

The Onion © 2010

[Brought to my greatly amused attention by Olivia de Haulleville. First posted 16 March 2010, reposted 25 February 2015 & 24 May 2019]


Sunday, September 28, 2025

Wall Street Monkeys (revisited)

I found this posted on a now defunct blog called The Might Of The Pen....

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following story should help...

Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers, seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.


Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so scarce that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!


The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50."

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere...

Welcome to Wall Street.



[First posted 13 October 2008. Reposted 2 October 2014]


Saturday, August 5, 2023

Forrest Gump explains Mortgage Backed Securities... again!


Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors.

Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $800 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest."

Now here's another classic story illustrating the evils of gambling and betting...
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000."

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'"

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are NOT square.'"

"Done!" the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem." said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his balls as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o' clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could inspect his balls.

The president readily obliged, anticipating an unexpected windfall of $25,000.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch his balls.

"Of course," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."


The elderly woman did so with a small smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $125,000 that around 10 o' clock in the morning I would be fondling the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada."

[First published 27 November 2008, reposted 6 August 2012]

Monday, July 23, 2018

Forrest Gump explains Mortgage Backed Securities... (repost)

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors.

Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $800 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest."

Now here's another classic story illustrating the evils of gambling and betting...


An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000."

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'"

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are NOT square.'"

"Done!" the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem." said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his balls as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o' clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could inspect his balls.

The president readily obliged, anticipating an unexpected windfall of $25,000.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch his balls.

"Of course," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."


The elderly woman did so with a small smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $125,000 that around 10 o' clock in the morning I would be fondling the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada."

[First published 27 November 2008]

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Fuck Corporate Greed! Reclaim Your Destiny!



In solidarity with the politically awakened people who are occupying Wall Street and telling rapacious corporations (and their corrupt cronies in government) their time is almost over.



A former CIA agent blows the whistle on the trillion-dollar scam called "national security."

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

CIVIL WAR BREAKS OUT ON WALL STREET



An explosive new report in Rolling Stone magazine exposes how the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission destroyed records of thousands of investigations, whitewashing the files of some of the nation's largest banks and hedge funds, including AIG, Wells Fargo, Lehman Brothers, Goldman Sachs, Bank of America and top Wall Street broker Bernard Madoff.

Last week, Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley of Iowa said an agency whistleblower had sent him a letter detailing the unlawful destruction of records detailing more than 9,000 information investigations. Democracy Now! speaks with Matt Taibbi, the political reporter for Rolling Stone magazine who broke this story in his latest article, "Is the SEC Covering Up Wall Street Crimes?"

For the complete transcript, to download the podcast, or for more information about Democracy Now!, click here!

As Reality Finally Hits The Financial Elite, They Start Turning On Each Other



Thursday, October 16, 2008

Words of Wisdom from the Golden Jackass


SLAUGHTER ON WALL STREET: 
The Heat Death of Capitalism

By Jim Willie CB (edited by Antares)

The events of the last few days continue to be remarkable, alarming, chaotic, surreal, and desperate. The globe is slowly realizing that the United States is careening toward a probable financial death experience...

Nothing has worked to date, and nothing will work in the present - not bailouts, not liquidations, not nationalizations, not papered-over fraud. The stark reality resembles a massive locomotive derailed, having run over the mountain ledge, heading downward in a freefall, subjected to the force of gravity, and ripping through a gigantic paper safety net designed to halt its crash.

THE CLOWNS IN CHARGE DO NOT REALIZE THE SYSTEM IS FLAWED AND BROKEN, AS EFFORTS TO REDOUBLE THE DEVICES ARE ALL DRAWN FROM THE SAME DEFECTIVE TOOLBAG. MAJOR BANK FAILURES, BANKRUPTCIES OF MAJOR FINANCIAL FIRMS (LIKE INSURANCE), AND INDIVIDUAL MARKET DEFAULTS... COMING VERY SOON.

Incredible events are occurring behind the scenes, the details of which would shock most people, even those who deal with the underworld.

Recall Wall Street propaganda this summer? That the US will be first to emerge from the carnage? Such lunatic promotional nonsense should be recalled when it becomes clear that the United States cannot emerge from its broken condition. The game is over, and only the enlightened realize it! What lies ahead is the tragedy of distintegration!!! That includes the nation and its very governmental structure.

As the US Economy and US bank system continues its death spiral, the US Dollar rallies, doing unspeakable ruin to US fundamentals. Recall that the tide went out along the shores in Indonesia and Thailand right before the great tsunami hit on December 26, 2004. Ditto here! The banking crisis and extreme distress that remains stubbornly unfixable in the United States urgently motivates foreigners to quickly assemble, implement, and announce a replacement world currency basket. Watch for a euro currency split soon, where Nordic version will compete viciously against the dead US Dollar.

MURDER AS AN OPTION?

In the last month, numerous emergency weekend meetings took place to work toward bailouts, mergers, recapitalization, slush fund grants, and government action. The deadlines struck me as odd, that they must resolve before Sunday night when Japanese markets opened. Why? Without any doubt, the Bank for International Settlements ordered the corrupt American Trillion-dollar Conmen to clean up their banks, let some fail, merge others, and agree to bailouts using government money, just get it done! Without any doubt, creditors have been pulling the lines to Wall Street firms. The grapevine has provided some new juicy information.

What option do defrauded banks, big financial firms, and big hedge fund firms have when they are victims of mega-fraud, when US regulatory bodies are in the Wall Street hip pocket, and when US law enforcement is more interested in sex charges for prosecutors than actual enforcement of laws on the books against fraud?

THEY MIGHT THREATEN MURDER OF KEY EXECUTIVES BEHIND FRAUD IF NO MEANINGFUL RESTITUTION.

That is what! The list of objects for murder threats might easily include a dozen Wall Street CEOs, CFOs, and their salesmen UFOs. Threats might even come from Sovereign Wealth Fund managers. One name cited was the Blackstone CEO, extended from Chinese losses. Be sure to know that any sudden death would be called a heart attack. You know? The type of heart attack that occurs after a bullet enters the cranium. Few tears would flow.

Imagine a man whose bones are turned into mush, trying to walk. That is the economy with insolvent banks. The man becomes a body without a heart and blood circulation when short-term credit is absent. The commercial side requires it for supply of food, gasoline, housewares, hardware, building materials, and more. Imagine riots for toilet paper, let alone gasoline and food! The financial side requires it for supply of ATM cash, credit card usage, and even payroll income. A heart attack is not a proper analogy. More like a science fiction movie where the victim is vaporized, or is burned suddenly into a heap of plasma.


The problems from debt collapse due to debt-related ills inside banks cannot be solved by more debt instruments, plain and simple. The solutions must, if they are legitimate, involve new income sources, like manufacturing returned to the US soil, like a national grand initiative for infrastructure betterment, like better agriculture management of ethanol solutions, like broader export successfully landing abroad from US firms. The dumbstruck fools running US bank policy are forced to resort to their own failed toolbag. How effective will lower interest rate be, if only another attraction to a debt device? Not much! And the failure to revive and resuscitate will shock the system very soon.

ACCELERATION OF EVENTS

Each week contains its disaster. Each week has included its own deadline timetable to reach agreement on resolution of this or that. Each week is replete with new signals of contagion or breakdown. Recall US Fed Chairman Bernanke, the smartest idiot on the planet, who claimed a year ago that no contagion would result from the spark of the subprime mortgage lit fuse. Expect such braindead calls from a university professor, burdened by the limitations of his credentials. Absolute contagion occurred instead, in total defiance to his orthodox heresy. Yesterday the big news saw the United Kingdom nationalize almost their entire banking system with $50 billion, including the venerable Lloyds TSB. Regard these moves as firm evidence of the death of the Anglo-Sphere. Today's big news is that Iceland collapsed, rescued in part so far by $4.5 billion from Russia, not Europe. As time passes, the financial structures weaken further, certain to break in central connective tissue, as well as in extended sections.


My analogy of the giant locomotive train hurtling down over the mountainside ledge fits here. Apply gravity as the acceleration force, and inertia to administer pain. A bright friend, not the least bit in the dark on current events, claimed that stupid American officials believe the runaway locomotive can actually fly.

THIRD WORLD, DEAD AHEAD

Few in the United States seem to realize that what is happening is the magnificent unstoppable event whereby an inevitable shift of tectonic financial plates is underway. The result will be that the entire system called the United States, financial and commercial, will suddenly find itself tragically lodged in the Third World. The chief traits will be major shortages, high prices, absent capital for credit, diverted supply of commodities, poor investment opportunities, massive flight of capital, corrupt law enforcement, widespread violence, despair among the public, horrific loss of wealth, and a severe brain drain as intellectual talent abandons the nation. Oh yes, carpetbaggers will arrive soon, and perhaps even an historically unprecedented wave of colonists from Asia, Russia, and Arab nations. Those who own the failed credit during default make ALL THE RULES.

LOST INTEGRITY OF US FINANCIAL MARKETS

The revived short rule restriction has contributed to yet another severe black eye to the reputation of the United States. Its financial markets are already considered the playground for Wall Street syndicates, with criminal behavior protected by the system. Foreigners mock our markets for their grotesque unfairness. Insider trading, 3pm rescues, program trading, naked shorts, controlled news sources, conflicts of interest between news networks and advertisers, justification of fraudulent accounting under pretense of national security, these all contribute to the cesspool image.

THE LEHMAN FAILURE WAS A SIGNIFICANT CON JOB

It was planned, calculated, designed, and executed like a criminal act. The Wall Street criminals needed to test the system on credit default swap risk, needed a sink hole from which to hand $138 billion to JP Morgan on a reloaded. It was carried out pre-dawn on a weekend before a hapless bankruptcy judge who found no objection. He probably did not look hard, was maybe bribed. The criminals were able to observe the consequences from senior bond holders who were illegally denied due process in the bankruptcy procedure. The event was a failure called a merger, complete with a huge handout given to JP Morgan so it can continue its illegal enterprise.

JP Morgan headquarters on Wall Street, New York City (photo: Kevin Roche John Dinkeloo & Associates LLC)

The real big deception is that JP Morgan was probably within a hair from its own bankruptcy , and therefore required a sacrificial lamb to feed from elaborate entrails. The sad fact is that the Wall Street consolidators need another Lehman-type event soon, since more reloads will be required. The French finance minister publicly decried the Lehman bankruptcy, saying letting it go was a major error. He might not be aware of the Wall Street crime syndicate need to cover up evidence, or the need to create a sink hole for a concealed JP Morgan reload, or the need to illicitly pack printed money into the massive credit default swap crater. Recall that numerous boxes of documents were hurriedly removed from Lehman offices that crucial fateful weekend. No watchful eye by police, no cordon of yellow tape to protect a crime scene, nothing. Another Fascist Business Model privilege that does not make America strong.

The US banks are destroyed, and that should kill the entire US Economy in the foreseeable future. Few seem willing to accept this stark ugly fact. Housing prices continue down, and that assures continued lethal pressure on bank assets. That keeps the destructive process relentless and very powerful, like deep knife cuts to a patient lying on a hospital gurney, while being shuttled from room to room for futile treatment. Much more destruction lies ahead, like with at least two more Wall Street firms, many regional banks, and a few insurance companies. Few seem willing to accept this stark ugly fact. Instead they look like idiotic children gazing upon the wrong traffic lights, as truck after truck runs them over in the middle of the road. Little do they realize, PEOPLE ARE ROADKILL.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49 today. If you had purchased $1000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $33 today. If you had purchased $1000 of Lehman Brothers stock one year ago, you will have $0 today. However, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have received $214 today at redemptions. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-KEG Plan.