Ten Puns for the Literate (repost)

1. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they had already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a long voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[Courtesy of V. Cornelius. First posted 25 July 2011, reposted 3 December 2013 & 4 December 2019]

Extraordinary Moments in Photography (repost)

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I don't know who took these extraordinary photos but they were forwarded to me by Shanthini Venugopal & Vernon Cornelius. First posted 2 November 2008, reposted 6 June 2018.

A SUDDEN OUTBURST ~ short poem by Antares

A sudden outburst of outrage

Brought on by gasps of indignation

Cataracts of complaints

Cascading down adrenal gutters -

Innocent bystanders are in for a soaking!

There must be better things to talk about

Than private outcry against public obscenity.

There must be better ways to get it off

Than to do it up in everybody's face.

Mr God didn't expect to stay for the speeches;

He thought it was going to be all fun & games.

On top of that the chocolate chip cookies

Were stolen by crooks from the casino.

More music is what the government should listen to.

And it's never just a question of taste:

Music is everything that makes sense and rhythm

Out of the contrapuntal harmony of Chaos.

By this time most humans have realized,

Being sapient has nothing to do with homogeneity.

In fact the truth has been cleverly disguised

In strange forms of fiction authored by deity.

Next you'll be asking for a bibliography

Of every book you feel you ought to lay your hands on;

The trick is not to fondle the folios

But to caress the ideas within with your soul naked.

You're probably wondering where the thread runs

That connects the first verse with the last.

Who said anything about last or first?

And what do you mean by verse?

[Written in 1975, first published in Moth Balls, Magick River 1994]