FARTS ~ by Sophie Paterson (a classic essay)

Hi, today I am going to talk to you about farts.

Some people think farts are rude, and some people think farts are funny, like me.

I think farts are hilarious.

Farting is a fact of life.

The Queen farts, superstars fart, and I fart. We will fart until the day we die.

And apparently a person can still fart after death!

Do you know why we fart?

Flatulence, wind or farts, whatever you like to call them, is the production of the mixture of gases in the digestive tract, that are by-products of the digestive process.

The average person farts about 14 times a day, which produces about half a liter of fart gas. (Personally, I think I fart more than 14 times a day.)

Farts are made up of the following:

Nitrogen, the main ingredient, making up 59%; next behind is hydrogen at 21%; 9% carbon dioxide; 7% methane; 3% oxygen and 1% other stuff.

But listen to this – hydrogen sulphide is the compound that makes them stink!

Here are the top 10 farters:

1st - Termites
2nd - Camels
3rd - Zebras and my pony Free
4th - Sheep
5th - Cows
6th - Elephants
7th - Labradors and retrievers
8th - Humans (vegetarians)
9th - Humans (non-vegetarians)
10th - Gerbils (also known as the desert rat)

If you are going to fart, do not sit by flames, because farts are very flammable.

Also, they can come motoring out of your bottom at 10kmh.

No wonder some of you have holes in your undies!

Please do not panic if you find yourself trapped in a small space like a closet, as it is impossible to suffocate in your own farts.

Unless Ben (my little brother) happens to be in there with you

Anyway next time you fart, don’t think it’s rude. Just know that everybottie, oops, I mean everybody farts.

Thank you for listening to my fartastic speech.

Here’s a little poem that I’d like to share with you:

"A fart can be useful,
It gives the body ease.
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.”



[From Napier Mail, 5 Oct 2011]

Sophie Paterson won first prize at the Central Hawke’s Bay Primary Schools Rotary Competition in September 2011. She was in year 6 at Flemington Primary.

[First posted 18 July 2013, reposted 2 July 2017]