We are indebted to The Onion for this up-to-the-minute report:WASHINGTON - The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.
What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy. "Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we.... if we " said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this so-called 'money' really matters at all."
"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless." According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it - the money, our whole economy - it's all a lie!" Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.
As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.
At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above.
"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth." "What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my daughter."Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying to get his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coin collection, muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and over again. "The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is just too blown to comment."
A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.
Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their foreclosed-upon homes. "I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," said former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their house. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family has no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."
The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation's epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.
"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'm going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I need by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need a new hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain. "That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.
The Onion © 2010
[Brought to my greatly amused attention by Olivia de Haulleville. First posted 16 March 2010, reposted 25 February 2015]
A long time ago, we were taught that paper currency had gold and silver to back it up.
ReplyDeleteIf I remember correctly, since 1973, whatever ties that the US Dollar had with gold was severed by the Nixon administration. What we have today is only worthless pieces of paper being passed off as having value.
As much as I hate to admit it, I think TDM is on the right track in pushing for the gold dinar to be the international currency for trade.
Dear Sir
ReplyDeleteMay i share this post in my blog please.
Merci be coupe!
anyone old enough to remember the banana notes during the Japanese occupation.My parents generation,in Batu pahat, kept boxes for ages.Someday they said it may be of value.
ReplyDeleteShaik - Nice to see your comment. All that glitters is not gold. I just read about a scam that took place under both Clinton's and Dubya's terms wherein slabs of tungsten coated with gold have been passed off as solid gold ingots!
ReplyDeleteFi-Sha - No prob, just credit "The Onion" (that's where the piece originated :-)
Petai Goreng - You from BP too huh? Well, your parents were right. If Umno stays in power another year we WILL be a Banana Republic and their stash of Banana Notes will be legal tender again.
Very amusing. But the paper money is still better that the 4-D stubs you find littering all over the country. Those are really worthless, not even one sen. When you consider people actually exchanged hard-earned money for them, how stupid it really is.
ReplyDeleteTo Anoymous at March 17, 2010 9:20:00 AM GMT+08:00,
ReplyDeleteGambling is an important part of "bread and circuses". It gives you hope, like cosmetics, and is quite effective in keeping your mind off everything falling apart around you. Besides, how else would they finance black ops including the turning over of legislators.
Ayahanda Antares :-)
ReplyDeleteWhat if we ourselves the money?
Try credit notes.
In simplicity, this is how it works …
Say there are 3 persons who are in charge of various economical sectors… namely Azer who is in agriculture sector, Mantessa who is in construction sector and Belle who is in services sector. The 3 sectors are the whole economy which is the population.
On monthly production:
Azer can produce 30,000 worth of merit points providing food etc.
Mantessa can produce 30,000 worth of merit points providing shelter etc.
Belle can produce 30,000 worth of merit points providing education etc.
On monthly consumption, the population needs 30,000 merit points of food and agriculture products etc , 30,000 merit points of shelter and other infra-structure etc and 30,000 merit points of education, entertainment, beautiful women (just to be admired) etc.
Azer consumes 10,000 points and provides 20,000 points to others.
Credit Notes:
Azer: -20,000 points
Mantessa: 10, 000 points
Belle: 10,000 points
Mantessa consumes 10,000 points and provides 20,000 points to others.
Credit Notes:
Azer: -10,000 points
Mantessa: -10, 000 points
Belle: 20,000 points
Belle consumes 10,000 points and provides 20,000 points to others.
Credit Notes:
Azer: 0 points
Mantessa: 0 points
Belle: 0 points
What do you think?
No one owes nobody anything yet keep being productive. The main issue probably is how much everybody is worth. Like knowing both Azer and Mantessa who are way too much about women, Belle could claim to be worth more in the economy.
In short, just wanna drop by to say ‘hi’. Forget the absurd idea as always :-) But then, some do say brilliant ideas are those most ridiculous.
Antares, thanks for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteMost of the ppl who are aware of this choose to live in doubts so they can continue to have what they are having now (at least before losing them all). I guiltily admit i'm one of them. =(
If everything flows in a cycle, we are going to reach the dot where we were originally from. It's just the matter of time and how dramatic the pattern of the change will be.