TWO AUSSIE JOKES PLUS A DASH OF IRISH (repost)

WALKING THE DOG

A blind lady was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight captain announced that there would be a delay, and that if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they should return to their seats in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except the blind lady. The other passengers could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly by her feet throughout the flight.

They could also tell that the blind lady had flown this very flight before, because the pilot approached her and, calling her by name, said: "Kathy, we're in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would Like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All activity in the gate area comes to a complete standstill when they see the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog. The pilot is even wearing sunglasses.

Panic spreads like wildfire. Some passengers try to change planes; others try to change airlines!

True story, believe it or not. Have a quiet chuckle and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!


COW & BULL STORY

The only cow in a small town in Australia stops giving milk. Computer literate town councilors discover they can buy an Indian cow on eBay on the cheap.

They import the cow from India and it's well worth the laborious paperwork involved. The Indian cow produces plenty of milk every day and everyone is happy.

They decide to buy a bull to mate with the cow in order to get more cows, so they would never again have to worry about their milk supply.


They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tries to mount the cow, she moves away.

No matter what approach the bull tries, the cow moves away from the bull and he is unable to do the deed.

The townsfolk decide to consult the vet, who is reputed to be very wise. They explain to him the problem:

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from one side, she shifts to the other side."

The vet rubs his chin thoughtfully and ponders this before asking: "Did you by any chance import this cow from India?"

The townsfolk are dumbfounded: "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How on earth did you guess we got the cow from India?"

The vet replies with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from India."

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he can tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test.... A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...', you hit her with the shovel."


[Jokes forwarded by V. Cornelius, first posted 5 March 2010]